The Pain of Feeling
by avengingdestiel
Summary: Castiel hasn't been the same since his grace was ripped away. Being human? Well, quite frankly, it sucks. Looking for some kind of relief, Cas goes looking for Dean to learn how to deal with human emotions. Destiel one shot. Spoilers for season 8 finale. Despite the summary it is fluffy, I swear.


Cas was depressed. There was no other way of putting it. What made it worse was the fact that it was a whole new feeling to him. He was human now, and the emotions were stronger. More intense. The depression he had felt before never felt as crippling as what he felt now. This new depression kept him from moving, made him wish he had never been created. He couldn't eat even though his new self needed it. He lacked the energy to get dressed or shower, something that required the use of his own hands now. He spent his days staring at the wall in the hotel he had managed to hole up in. He knew that his family - or what was left of it - had fallen. Yet he didn't know where any of the other angels even were (well, ex-angels, but he didn't like thinking that way). He was alone when he needed more than anything to be comforted. He was angry and sad and confused and goddammit, so alone. He had tried looking for so long, had left Sam and Dean despite their insistence that he stay, and came up short. He needed them back. For a day, for an hour, hell, for even a minute.

Maybe that was the reason, the crippling aloneness, maybe that was why Cas was able to find Sam and Dean. It had been hard, incredibly fucking hard. But he needed something, someone in his life otherwise... Otherwise he might've ended it. Becoming human made all the emotions rush to the surface. He couldn't handle it. Cas wasn't Dean, wasn't someone who had grown up burying their feelings so deep down that it wasn't even difficult anymore. He felt. And it hurt. It _ached_. And he needed someone there for him in any way possible. It was the only drive he had that somehow led him to finding them.

He waited until Sam had left. Whether he was out researching or on a food run, Cas didn't know or care. Cas' blood was practically drowning in booze. Liquor had become his new best friend since his grace had been ripped away, it gave him a few hours of relief from the excruciating pain of feeling. He wanted all the feelings to stop, and although he considered Sam as close to a friend as he was capable of having, some part of him (the part that was still coherent) thought Dean would be a better resource for this. He wanted the pain and emotions and feelings to disappear. Dean could do that, make Cas better, couldn't he? So he waited. Waited for Sam to leave and for Dean to be alone. He didn't even notice the freezing downpour he was in. He just waited.

Cas should have thought this through, but at the moment, stumbling through a hotel door reeking of booze and drenched from the rain seemed like as good an entrance as any. Dean had been sleeping, or getting ready to at least, but quickly jumped out of the bed at the noise. If Cas could have seen how he looked in that moment, part of him might have been ashamed. His trench coat was plastered to him from the rain, his hair slick and hanging in his face as it dripped water onto his already soaked clothing. His pants were torn and his shirt had a comical amount of stains on it. This was the sight Dean was greeted with after not seeing Cas for nearly a month.

They stared at each other for a while, both unmoving before Cas finally got his bearings (or at least gathered himself enough to say something). He tried to compose himself but only managed a shaky, "Hello, Dean," before collapsing on the floor.

"Shit." Even Dean's hunter reflexes couldn't have stopped the ex-angel's descent to the floor. He ran over to Cas who had now started shaking, the cold of the rain finally taking effect on his body. Cas' lips were unnaturally pale and the shaking had turned into full out shudders.

"I-I needed... t-to see you."

"Cas, buddy, we can talk about why you're shit-faced and look homeless later, but right now we need to get you out of these clothes," going into survival mode, Dean blindly began to strip the clothes off of Cas, throwing them haphazardly onto the floor next to him. Once Cas was rid of his water-logged clothing, Dean easily picked him up (shit, he had lost a lot of weight) and set him on one of the beds, wrapping him tight in blankets to try to keep in any remaining body heat.

Dean held his hand to Cas' forehead and felt nothing but a damp cold. Cas was still shivering and his pallor was not improving in the slightest.

"Dean..." Cas' voice was still just as shaky as his body, "I d-didn't know what else t-to do. I needed t-to see yo-", Dean quickly cut him off by covering his mouth with his hand.

"Cas, would you please shut up? We can have a chick-flick moment later but right now I need to focus on getting you warmed up." Cas didn't seem to be improving. Goddammit, how long had he waited out in that stupid rain?

Dean's eyes scanned the body in front of him before he came to a decision. Cas was an idiot, but Dean couldn't let his idiocy kill him. He knew how to get him warm, knew it was one of his only options. Even if he didn't like it. Mumbling a quiet, "Son of a bitch," under his breath, he began to strip, throwing his clothing somewhere next to those of Cas. He nudged Cas, prompting him to scoot over before yanking the blanket off of the ex-angel. Cas gasped, but then whimpered as Dean pressed his body against him. He was so _warm_. Cas quickly snuggled up next to him before realizing the exact state they were in. They were both naked. Under a blanket. Together. He began to shuffle away, panicking before Dean wrapped his arms around him and tucked Cas' head underneath his chin, forcing him into a cocoon of heat. Before Cas could protest Dean hastily began to explain.

"Cas, buddy, I'm sorry but you are an idiot, you know that? You're human now. Believe it or not, getting extremely cold can actually kill you. Whether you like it or not, we need to get your body temperature back to normal and this is how we're going to do it. Hotel showers aren't exactly top notch and their heaters are shit, so you're just going to have to bear with me. God, how could you be so stupid, Cas?"

Cas sniffled against Dean's chest before mumbling something that sounded vaguely like "I'm sorry". Dean wasn't near finished chewing him out though.

"I mean, seriously? You would have been safe with us, you know that. We would have been able to help you go through all that shit. We would have been able to help you find the rest of them. But you left in the middle of the fucking night with no explanation! Do you know how long we looked for you? How many places we searched from top to bottom for a sign of you? How many hunters we had keeping an eye out for you?," Dean's voice quieted before he continued, "Do you realize how much I worried about you?"

Cas didn't answer, his shivering had subsided a little and he had regained some warmth. This small victory was quickly dampened when he began to cry into Dean's chest. Chanting "I'm sorry" over and over again into the hunter's shoulder.

Dean pulled back enough to look at the angel (fuck it, he would always be an angel to Dean). Cas' eyes were screwed shut, and his hands were clenched around Dean's waist, almost enough to hurt. Shit. He hadn't meant for this to happen. He didn't mean to make him _cry_. He didn't seem like he would let up anytime soon, so Dean swiftly grabbed his chin, forcing Cas to look at Dean.

"Cas, buddy, look. I'm sorry. Please stop. Please."

Cas shook his head as his sobs continued. He couldn't. The dam holding back his emotions broke, and out spilled everything he had held back. The anger and fear and depression. It all flowed out onto the hunter before him. The one person he had felt he actually had a connection with. He physically couldn't hold back the tidal wave of emotions that were leaving his body through his salty tears. He couldn't stop it, there was no way to. He clung to Dean until he could managed to speak, his voice hoarse and shaky.

"I c-can't. It s-seems I make an inad... an inadequate human being. It hurts, Dean. Feeling hurts." He began to sob again, this time burying his face into Dean's chest. And Dean held him. Murmuring little nothings and shushing the broken angel. So what if he was acting completely unlike himself? This was _Cas_. Cas was hurting in ways Dean couldn't even imagine, and _he_ had been to Hell. So he held his angel close and cradled him, trying to lessen the extent of the pain.

They may have laid like that for hours. All barriers had been broken. Cas had quieted quite a while ago, yet they still lay wrapped in each others arms, feet entangled. Sam was on an all-nighter stake out. It didn't seem like too serious of a job, so Dean hadn't worried about going with him. It worked out well, seeing as Dean didn't have to worry about Sam barreling through the door only to find his brother naked. In bed. With an angel. That wouldn't raise any questions, not at all.

The silence between them was comfortable. They fell in and out of a light sleep, something Cas needed desperately. His sleep held scattered nightmares, but with every jerk awake he would find himself face to face with Dean. Whether Dean was asleep or awake, Cas simply found comfort in being with the hunter again. He had fallen into a dreamless sleep before waking to find Dean staring at him, studying his face as he had slept. Cas tilted his head, confused at why Dean would be doing such a thing, but Dean merely smiled and closed his eyes, feigning sleep.

But Cas was curious. This wasn't typical behavior of Dean. The silence had drawn on long enough in his opinion. His whisper was harsh to his ears, "Dean, this isn't typical behavior for most men... Is it?"

Dean sighed. He knew the questions would come eventually, he just wanted a few more hours of this before things got messy. He thought for a moment, trying to think of an answer that would be the least damaging, the least confusing. Because, hell, he didn't have any answer for what was going on between them. He hadn't seen Cas for months and now they're cuddling on a bed, naked? He had no fucking clue how to answer the innocent question.

"We aren't most men," he finally managed to reply, avoiding the weight behind the question. But it was true. They weren't. Nothing about the two of them was typical.

Cas frowned, it wasn't the answer he had been hoping for, but then again, he didn't know what he had been hoping for. He looked at Dean, who's eyes were still closed most likely in an attempt to avoid Cas' gaze. He uttered Dean's name, needing an answer that was less sarcasm and more sincerity.

Dean finally opened his eyes, taking in the angel. He looked into the eyes that always seemed to pierce through him, the otherworldly blue seemingly drinking everything in. He shook his head, he still didn't have an answer, not a suitable one at least. But he supposed for Cas he could at least try.

"Cas... I don't know. I really don't. No it's not typical, but honestly, when have we ever been typical? I'm not going to read into it, even though you will the minute we quit talking. All I know is... I need you, Cas. I just need you. So don't think about going and disappearing on us again. Cause I swear to god I'll have Sam kill you for me," he managed a weak laugh. He tried to lessen the weight behind his words with a joke, but he knew that it was too late. Sure he had told Cas he needed him before, but not in this context, not in a situation this raw. He tensed, waiting for Cas to get up and leave, to push him away. Instead he felt Cas' arms snake back around him and pull him close, nestling his head back under Dean's chin.

"I think... I think I need you too."

A warmth spread through Dean at the statement. He had felt something similar when he was with Lisa, or with Jo, but this was much stronger. More terrifying. He felt apprehensive and wanted and scared and safe all at the same time. He wrapped his arms around Cas' shoulders, returning the embrace. He slowly lowered his lips to Castiel's forehead, just a slight brush against the angel's head. He didn't know what pushed him to do it, he just did it. And it felt right. Being here with Cas, being this close. He started to nod off, feeling more at ease than he had in a very long time.

He didn't even notice the slow smile that crept its way onto Cas' face as he too drifted off.

Cas woke to the smell of something savory. Sunlight blinded him as he blinked the sleep from his eyes. His hair stuck up in nearly every direction, something that caused a chuckle to sound from across the room. He looked up groggily at the kitchen area of the hotel room. There stood Dean, wearing nothing but an apron and cooking something on the stove. Cas tilted his head and squinted, thoroughly confused at the sight. Dean laughed again, before turning back to the cause of the delicious smell in the room.

"Our clothes are in the wash, and I didn't want to burn myself, so I put on this frilly excuse for an apron. I hope hamburgers are okay. They're mini... I didn't know how to make anything else."

"Why are you doing this?", Cas' voice was gravelly from sleep. He wanted to move, but was now slightly self-conscious about his state of undress. He remembered most of last night, but moments were blurred due to the amount of alcohol that had been flowing through his veins. His brain wracked through his memories before he remembered. The rain. Crying. Dean. A slight brush against his head as he drifted to sleep. His eyes grew wide as he stared down at his hands, his face suddenly very warm.

"Hey," Dean called to him, turning around to face him and walking closer to the panicky angel, "I knew you would overanalyze things, now stop doing that. Listen, I don't regret anything about last night, not that we even did anything but still. I meant everything I said and that _being_ said, I know you were _slightly_ drunk, so here's a recap: I need you. Plain and simple." He paused before answering Cas' original question, "And this is because you look skinnier than Nicole Richie and I'm hungry." He waved a spatula back in the general of the kitchen before returning to the mini-hamburgers.

Cas slowly stood up, wrapping the sheet around his waist to maintain some dignity. He went and stood beside Dean, watching as he flipped burgers in a small frying pan. He hadn't realized how hungry he was until now. He looked at Dean, studying the side of his face. More flashes of the night before danced through his head, but his mind kept coming back to the kiss. It was nothing but a brush of lips against his head, but... It had made him feel safe. It made him feel like something inside him had finally been put in place, like a puzzle piece that had taken years to find its spot. Over and over he kept turning the feeling in his mind trying to place a name on it. Human emotions were still so new to him, ones like happiness and contentment nearly foreign with how he had been feeling the last few months. This feeling wasn't happiness though. It wasn't even joy. It was something indescribable, and indisputably tied to Dean.

"Dean, did you kiss me last night?"

Dean was quiet for a moment, turning the stove off before turning to face the angel. The same blue eyes gazed at him, swallowing him whole and tearing down every barrier he had ever struggled to put up. He knew something was there between them, and maybe he had been denying that there was for a very long time. But right now here Cas was, right in front of him. The last 12 hours had taken everything they were and thrown it out the window, creating this new dynamic that maybe, kind of made them better. Made them whole.

Dean's mouth pulled up at the corner, a lopsided half-smile that shouldn't have been nearly as endearing as it was spreading across his face, "Maybe."

Cas looked down at his feet. It was true. His alcohol induced haze of events hadn't made that detail of last night up. A new feeling spread through him, a buzzy sort of hope that wanted more.

Dean took the drop in Cas' gaze as a bad thing, and quickly grabbed his chin, forcing the angel to look at him again, "Was that okay? Or did I just cross some angel barrier of yours?"

It was more than okay. But Cas didn't know how he could put exactly _how_ okay it was into words. They held their gaze for a while before Cas finally found what he was searching for, "It was okay. In fact, I might not be opposed to trying it again. I am human now and need to be educated in human behaviors, correct?" He smiled, pleased with himself for coming up with an answer that put what he wanted into such simple words.

What once had been apprehension on Dean's face slowly melted into relief. "Thank god," He whispered before grabbing Cas' face and pressing their lips together.

Cas was reeling. Dean's lips were chapped and soft and _perfect_. It was nothing like the kiss he had shared with Meg. That had tasted like ash, like Hell. This? This was simple yet exactly what Cas wanted. He felt happiness well up inside him, and another feeling; the one from before that was definitely tied to Dean. It washed over him like a tidal wave, making him feel complete and safe and at home. And suddenly he knew what to name it, this emotion that had been so complex to him before. Love.

Dean slowly shifted back, placing another short, chaste kiss against Cas' lips before pulling completely away. They didn't need to say anything. They just gazed at each other reveling in what they had just discovered. The moment ended when Dean reached a hand up and pulled at Cas' rat nest of hair. "Dude, you need to take a shower or something. You're hair's getting ridiculous." He laughed, heartily and sincerely. Cas blushed, looking down at his feet again as a small smile played across his face. Dean tilted his chin back up affectionately before continuing.

"Let's take a shower and then we can eat breakfast, okay?," he paused before starting to back away in the direction of the bathroom, "Last one in gets to tell Sam we indirectly slept together." And with that he took off, leaving a slightly rumpled angel in the kitchen. He waited a second before taking off after the hunter, leaving the sheet on the kitchen floor.

Maybe, just maybe, Cas needed Dean too.


End file.
